Thief vs. victim! Use Your Imagination!

[Yellow Killer]

Your at home, sleeping  , and all of a sudden, you hear noise. A thief breaks in your house. What do you do? Be Creative as possible!

[Deacon]

Your at home, sleeping  , and all of a sudden, you hear noise. A thief breaks in your house. What do you do? Be Creative as possible!

grab the weapon i sleep with and enter "him or me" mode.

[ursus]

my dad sleeps with a machete at his bedside
i sleep with two knives stuck into the frame of my bed

and three home-made steel throwing stars in my closet

but i lost my throwing knives

[Wafflepiezz]

Ninja/Assassin mode activated.

[Alphaggot]

Go back to sleep. It's probably my dog.

[Saetik]

But what if it isn't my house? :O

[Wafflepiezz]

But what if it isn't my house? :O

[·UηİŦ··]

Your at home, sleeping  , and all of a sudden, you hear noise. A thief breaks in your house. What do you do? Be Creative as possible!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I do not nid wepon since I know things :> but just in case there is an aluminum bat in the garage.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Based on the layout of my house, the thief would make HELLA NOISE even trying to break in from any angle... the screen doors and the front door are just fucking awkward since my mom put plants everywhere, not to mention the storm door needs to be oiled 10 years ago. One false move in the dark and 

Besides, if they try to break in via the deck ON THE SECOND FLOOR (ninjas), they have to crawl through MY BEDROOM WINDOW (not best idea ever) or go through the door connected to my sister's room to get inside (ololololo).

Since no thief wants to waste that much time getting inside my humble abode, let's just say he/she/they/robot/what goes through the screen doooor. BIG POT CRASHING SOUND OMGWTF. I'll get up, go downstairs, turn on da lights, and watch as failburglar iscoveredinplantshitonfloor. If they get up and try to attack me I break their face with my palm :>

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they decide to charge me I'll just trip them over the GLASS TABLE using mah martial artz i lrn2wenIwaskid, then bring out the BIG RED ALUMINUM BAT WITH A GOLDEN COBRA ON IT :>

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they have a gun, I'm pretty sure the common housethief is too much of a pussy to shoot me point-blank. Most likely it's like "uHH uuhuhuh STAND BACK I HAVE A GUN DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU aaaaaawhatdoidonow."
I'll just get shot in the chest/leg/hand/shoulder/not get shot at all, and use adrenaline to fork his eye out with a fork/utensil (since this is the kitchen and most likely he's stealing silverware) before bleeding out... or just fork his eyeballs out in a blaze of glory 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they have a gun and fuck up with said gun, I'll lol and pick UP the gun (most likely putting on the safety while pretending to cock it so I don't get in wif teh law with shooting a person unless I REALLY HAVE TO :>, and aim directly at their testes/genitals/whatever with a grin on my faec, and then tell them YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS TO GET ON THE GROUND BEFORE I MAKE YOU AN EUNUCH :>

Then again if it's a ladytheif

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

IF they're trying to steal my Xbox/Wii/TV that works?
Shit, well Game over, am brek 157 of ur bons wif bat

"BITCH I WASTED A WHOLE SUMMER FOR THAT SO I COULD WASTE MORE SUMMERS PLAYING/USING IT".

Or

Break your legs with bat, then carry you upstairs to the roof, blindfold you, and dangle you from your broken legs over the edge until you stop crying and accept your fate... then bring you back to the 1st floor and throw you onto lawn 

Of course I'll call the cops if I don't seriously injure the person... otherwise...

I'll just bury them alive using manure and an Iron-cast Casket that is Air-tight and soundproof 

And everytime they try to haunt me I'll just set them on fire

Or sell their soul for some material object :>

[Sabb]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I do not nid wepon since I know things :> but just in case there is an aluminum bat in the garage.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Based on the layout of my house, the thief would make HELLA NOISE even trying to break in from any angle... the screen doors and the front door are just fucking awkward since my mom put plants everywhere, not to mention the storm door needs to be oiled 10 years ago. One false move in the dark and 

Besides, if they try to break in via the deck ON THE SECOND FLOOR (ninjas), they have to crawl through MY BEDROOM WINDOW (not best idea ever) or go through the door connected to my sister's room to get inside (ololololo).

Since no thief wants to waste that much time getting inside my humble abode, let's just say he/she/they/robot/what goes through the screen doooor. BIG POT CRASHING SOUND OMGWTF. I'll get up, go downstairs, turn on da lights, and watch as failburglar iscoveredinplantshitonfloor. If they get up and try to attack me I break their face with my palm :>

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they decide to charge me I'll just trip them over the GLASS TABLE using mah martial artz i lrn2wenIwaskid, then bring out the BIG RED ALUMINUM BAT WITH A GOLDEN COBRA ON IT :>

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they have a gun, I'm pretty sure the common housethief is too much of a pussy to shoot me point-blank. Most likely it's like "uHH uuhuhuh STAND BACK I HAVE A GUN DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU aaaaaawhatdoidonow."
I'll just get shot in the chest/leg/hand/shoulder/not get shot at all, and use adrenaline to fork his eye out with a fork/utensil (since this is the kitchen and most likely he's stealing silverware) before bleeding out... or just fork his eyeballs out in a blaze of glory 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

If they have a gun and fuck up with said gun, I'll lol and pick UP the gun (most likely putting on the safety while pretending to cock it so I don't get in wif teh law with shooting a person unless I REALLY HAVE TO :>, and aim directly at their testes/genitals/whatever with a grin on my faec, and then tell them YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS TO GET ON THE GROUND BEFORE I MAKE YOU AN EUNUCH :>

Then again if it's a ladytheif

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

IF they're trying to steal my Xbox/Wii/TV that works?
Shit, well Game over, am brek 157 of ur bons wif bat

"BITCH I WASTED A WHOLE SUMMER FOR THAT SO I COULD WASTE MORE SUMMERS PLAYING/USING IT".

Or

Break your legs with bat, then carry you upstairs to the roof, blindfold you, and dangle you from your broken legs over the edge until you stop crying and accept your fate... then bring you back to the 1st floor and throw you onto lawn 

Of course I'll call the cops if I don't seriously injure the person... otherwise...

I'll just bury them alive using manure and an Iron-cast Casket that is Air-tight and soundproof 

And everytime they try to haunt me I'll just set them on fire

Or sell their soul for some material object :>

Just wondering, did anyone read this?

[Hotgreensoldier]

Just wondering, did anyone read this?

I didn't. He always puts HUGE posts but puts them in spoilers so that people can read it.

[Seb]

my dad sleeps with a machete at his bedside
i sleep with two knives stuck into the frame of my bed

and three home-made steel throwing stars in my closet

but i lost my throwing knives

you so cool bro

i wish i was as cool as you

[Foofoojack]

you so cool bro

i wish i was as cool as you

same dude he's badass

grab AR-15?

[Deacon]

you so cool bro

i wish i was as cool as you

this is why i said "weapon"

[ursus]

this is why i said "weapon"

what

knives aren't cool anymore?

[Deacon]

what

knives aren't cool anymore?

You didn't hear me say that
I have several knives

but it is frowned upon for some reason
to say "i sleep with ____"
because it seems like bragging

even though that is not the case.
at least, for me.