Whats the difference between a jew and firewood?
Firewood is meant to be burned in a stove or firepit while jews are functioning members of society.
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While driving at night, a man accidently runs down a young child. Devastated, he runs out of the car and begins to break down. He screams up at the sky "Why God? Why?". And God says nothing, because he's not real.
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Your dad is so fat that he is on a diet.
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Why couldn't Ray Charles read?
Because he was blind.
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So this guy walks into a bar. He ends up getting really drunk and taking home a highly promiscuous woman. They both die from AIDS.
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Do you know what Chuck Norris does for a living?
He's an actor, I also heard he's quite good with martial arts.
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A woman walks into the kitchen to make a sandwich because she is hungry and she likes sandwiches.
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An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
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What is the difference between the suicide man and the virgin?
The suicide man wants to die, the virgin wants to have sex.
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YOUR MOTHER IS SO FAT that she sought a relevant support group. My understanding is that she tried Overeater's Anonymous and lost a few pounds, but it meant more that it improved her sense of self-worth. She's more comfortable with herself as a somewhat overweight woman, and a much happier person now. We're all very proud of her.
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What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants over the hill."
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A man walks up to a bar, says to the bartender "Hey, can I get a drink?" The bartender hands him one.
Then he asks for another.
And another.
And another.
Then the dude's driving home pretty slammed, and he's mumbling some weird words and stuff, and then he crashes into a tree on the way to his house and is killed on impact.
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A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
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Q. Why did the dinosaur eat the baby?
A. He didn't. Humans did not appear until after the extinction of dinosaurs.
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What do you call a horse that drinks a lot, carries a shotgun and a urge to kill your family?
Whatever you want, he's a horse, he doesn't really care about what his name is.
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Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- I am an alcohol destroying your family.
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A man walks into a bar with a dog that's wearing an eyepatch. He says to the bartender "Hey, ask me about my dog," but the bartender is deaf in one ear and doesn't hear him. The bartender serves a woman on the other side of the bar first and by the time he gets to him, the man with the one-eyed dog has forgotten what he was going to say
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A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow your wish will come true!". Billy says "Ok mommy" and goes to sleep. The next morning Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!" The mom answered "That's because there is no God."
