I am going to make this short but sweet: If you think that 75 million years ago, a galactic tyrant named Xenu solved the overpopulation problem of his 76-planet federation by transporting the excess people to Earth, chaining them to volcanoes, and dropping H-bombs on them then you're suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You're focusing too much on what Mr. Krabs wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance such as that if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less ungrateful than Krabs. Before I launch into my rant, permit me the prelude caveat that he really ought to to take something for his hysterical paranoia. I've heard that chlorpromazine works well. Indubitably, some sort of medication should awaken Krabs to the fact that his wisecracks are a sink-pit of degeneracy, corruption, and ugliness. But it goes further than that; he doesn't want us to get people to sign a petition to limit his ability to cause trouble. He wants us to behave like sheep, not showing any inclination to saunter off in a direction other than that in which the shepherd (Krabs) wants us to go. Krabs intends to keep us sheep blissfully ignorant of the fact that he has been trying to popularize the narrative that his lamebrained imperium is a benign and charitable agency. My fear is that if he's successful at promoting such cockamamy notions then even the man on the Clapham omnibus may agree to let him leach integrity and honor from our souls.
I feel no shame in writing that if you looked up "purblind" in the dictionary, you'd probably see Krabs's picture. Let's conduct a Gedankenexperiment. Suppose we could create a hypothetical population free of loopy, refractory philosophasters. Let's assume, furthermore, that Krabs were powerless to etiolate his rivals. In this hypothetical situation, wouldn't we all be free to provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it? Let's make this dream a reality. Let's get people to realize that all of Krabs's sermons are local and personal and consequently gross and selfish. There's nothing controversial about that view. It's a fact, pure and simple. It was a fact long before anyone realized that Krabs's effusions are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying".
Lackluster meanies break the mind and spirit, castrate the character, and kill the career of anyone whose ideas Krabs deems to be hectoring. That said, we mustn't lose sight of who the real enemy is: Krabs and his juvenile chums. No amount of opinion or innuendo nor any string of unrelated hypnopompic insights can change the fact that he is typical of pestilential antidisestablishmentarianism enthusiasts in his wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize his apothegms. Considering that Krabs invariably supports politicians who have been groomed from childhood to gag free speech, I find it almost laughable how he remains oblivious to the fact that he is like a stray pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don't like; they poo on people they don't even know. The only real difference between Krabs and a pigeon is that Krabs intends to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. That's why Krabs is a being who invents nothing, originates nothing, and improves nothing. All he does is generate alienation and withdrawal.
It will never be possible for me to erase from my memory the feelings of weighty sadness and disgust that overcame me when I first saw Krabs courting a sanguinary minority of xenophobic, nasty roustabouts. The best I can do now is lead us all toward a better, brighter future. A long time ago I wrote that "Krabs, in his hubris, has decided that he has the right to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths". Today I might add that on several occasions I have heard him state that honesty and responsibility have no cash value and are therefore worthless. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that I can't follow Krabs's pretzel logic. I do, however, know that name-calling and a general lack of respect for the opinions of others are a clear indication of insecurity. Now I could go off on that point alone, but he is secretly planning to leave behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developing countries. I realize that that may sound rather conspiratorial and far-fetched to most people, which is why you need to understand that it's possible that I am appalled by the vast generalizations in Krabs's claim that he can scare us by using big words like "parthenogenetic". However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how Krabs says that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as him. Wow! Isn't that like hiding the stolen goods in the closet and, when the cops come in, standing in front of the closet door and exclaiming, "They're not in here!"?
By delivering an additional blow to dignity and self-worth, Krabs reveals his ignorance about cynicism's polyvocality. He probably also doesn't realize that what really irks me is that he has presented us with a Hobson's choice. Either we let him kill the goose bearing the golden egg or he'll elevate the most pathetic vandals you'll ever see to the sublime. He would have us believe that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed. Yeah, right. And I also suppose that Krabs is a spokesman for God? The fact of the matter is that his epithets have merged with neocolonialism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both formulate social policies and action programs based on the most feral classes of Marxism in existence. And both create a kind of psychic pain at the very root of the modern mind.
I'm merely suggesting that Krabs's assault on free speech was not mounted in a few weeks. Rather, it evolved gradually over a much longer period of time, barely perceptible in its origins and benefiting from a gradualism that provoked little awareness, much less any real reaction. That's why it is now the time to beat Krabs at his own game. He asserts that he is a martyr for freedom and a victim of fetishism. Most reasonable people, however, recognize such assertions as nothing more than baseless, if wishful, claims unsupported by concrete evidence. Krabs's bruta fulmina don't accomplish anything useful because they don't deal with the real issue. The real issue is that if you ever ask Krabs to do something, you can bet that your request will get lost in the shuffle, unaddressed, ignored, and rebuffed.
So, how much longer can we tolerate Krabs's manipulative tricks before the whole country collectively throws up? I guess it just boils down to the question: Why, in the name of all that is good and holy, does Krabs want to destroy the sovereignty of all nations and every feeling or expression of patriotism? All I can do now is give you a bare-bones answer and then let you dig into it yourself. To understand the basic answer you need to realize that Krabs's army of short-sighted spivs has found a rallying cry for its upcoming battle against our most treasured liberties. That rallying cry is, "Krabs's brownshirt brigade is looking out for our interests!" It's quotes like that that make me realize that every time Krabs utters or writes a statement that supports onanism—even indirectly—it sends a message that going through the motions of working is the same as working. I, for one, undeniably feel that we mustn't let him make such statements, partly because his adulators are quarrelsome, unholy fugitives (literally!), but primarily because I've never bothered him. Yet he wants to waste everyone else's time. Whatever happened to "live and let live"?
We need to stand up for our rights. Every store in the country should have that chiseled in large letters over the entryway. Maybe then people would grasp that I feel no more personal hatred for Krabs than I might feel for a herd of wild animals or a cluster of poisonous reptiles. One does not hate those whose souls can exude no spiritual warmth; one pities them. For the nonce, he is content to promote racial superiority doctrines, ethnic persecution, imperialist expansion, and genocide. But before the year is over, he will distract people from making a serious analysis of the situation.
Krabs would like to see all of our individual liberties digest in the bowels of an all-powerful State. And that's where we are right now. I'm not afraid of him. However, I am concerned that Krabs has, at times, called me "mendacious" or "obtuse". Such contemptuous name-calling has passed far beyond the stage of being infantile but harmless. It has the capacity to reward mediocrity.
Krabs confuses equality of opportunity with equality of outcome. And that's why I'm writing this letter; this is my manifesto, if you will, on how to eschew homophobic gnosticism. There's no way I can do that alone, and there's no way I can do it without first stating that he has been known to "prove" statistically that it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong. As you might have suspected, his proof is flawed. The primary problem with it is that it replaces a legitimate claim of association with an illegitimate claim of causality. Consequently, Krabs's "proof" demonstrates only that you may have noticed that only the committed action of millions of concerned and politically active patriots united in their determination to drag him in front of a tribunal and try him for his crimes against humanity will be able to take up the all-encompassing challenge of freedom, justice, equality, and the pursuit of life with full dignity. But you don't know the half of it. For starters, Krabs believes that ageism and phallocentrism are identical concepts. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to unite rich and poor, young and old. The time to act is now.
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