TBH, I've tried committing suicide at least 16 times. Tried, went through with as far as possible, and nothing happened.
Now you know. Doesn't matter.
So, imagine me sitting there going "Well, what now? I'm not dead.
Why did I want to kill myself?
What would happen if I don't?
What do i have left to look forward to?
How am I looking at this?
WHY?
What am I doing? What am I going to do anyways?
Does anyone give fucks?
Do I give fucks?
If I kill myself, I'm probably hurting more people than I'd even consider. Some people I actually enjoy having known, some people who I know couldn't get by without my help every day.
I'm not that important to the point where my death would cast the Earth into darkness. I hope not."
And suddenly watch me reach the conclusion that I don't even see the point in stopping myself from aging. People are more important, I'm important, but I'm not the center of the Universe. There are some real nice people out there who probably have it sideways, 240p. There are some nice things, some nice little things in life that manage to dwarf the big picture in my eyes, maybe even change it. Turn that Dickbutt into a Mona Lisa Dickbutt.
I've reached that point where it really doesn't even matter, almost, Exasperated from failure, and I don't see a reason to try again. I've sorted myself out long ago, I don't dare even think about it again because honestly what I thought was bad doesn't even parallel Every Single Human Life that's ever walked with sore feet and a broken back.
Actually, it was about the people with broken backs. But it's a lost topic now.
Doing that, makes you think. Coming back from the dead without anyone around to hear you scream is fucking hard-hitting.
I woke up with my lungs still full of water. I had enough time to experience drowning on-and-off on land while the sun soared through the sky, and even go on da internets.
And I did that all under the cover. While everyone was gone for a good 5 weeks at one point. All by myself, with only my thoughts left to settle as I kept pushing my luck as if it were a button.
That button liked being pressed, but it never went down.
I ought to share that button with someone.
It is your life and not mine, not my place to say what you do and don't do, what you should think. I'm not you, I've never really been you 100%, nor do I know how you think, how you work, how you react to things, how you feel, what every single waking moment reveals itself to you as.
But for crying out loud, You shouldn't do the rope. There's a good chance the rope breaks, the rope breaks and you snap your neck only enough to end up in a wheelchair, the rope doesn't break but you hang and someone finds you and you end up with permanent damage, or you snap your spine in just the right place and end up paralyzed, doomed to live what you think is a crap-sack life as a vegetable while your parents enthuse you as if you still wanted to live after doing that.
You might take solace later after a while of being vegetative... and then they decide to take you off life support.
Won't that suck?
And say you're still persistent to kill yourself and end up in a padded cell. What then?
Why is it the end of the world if one thing goes bad? I sit here today, and a number of people large enough to fill a small country die from things far worse than 1st-world problems.
I sit here and there are orphans running around on the streets near me.
There are kids in homes being abused, on my street.
Some don't even have the moxy or the confusion/'reached that limit' to off themselves. They don't even have the nice little list of supplies we have; someone living in a dirt shack is watching their little brother and mother die from starvation, unable to move as flies invade their skin. And they can't even attempt to put them out of their misery. They can't even begin to try.
It drives me to the core to know that, but I can't move mountains and ensure every single flower blossoms. Especially not in a world like this.
And did you even talk to your parents? Do you know you failed them?
Do you know what they want you to be?
Does it matter if you missed one or two things in a life wherein more than half of the births around the world involve dead mothers and dead fetuses?
Do you care if you didn't become what someone predestined you for some 16-17 years ago, like you were some kind of wind-up toy?
Do they force you to be something, or do they not care what you want to be, so long as you're happy?
Ask yourself that.
If you're so brazen right now to end yourself with a rope, of all things, you shouldn't be bothered to get a straight answer from anyone.
Not even yourself.
Shit, I was ready to jump in front of a train yard at one point. But then I thought about the poor conductor, and his wife and kids when he comes home a different man.
And all the passengers when they hear a loud horn followed by a SPLUT and the screech of brakes on wet rails.
And if the poor conductorman kills himself because of what he wasn't able to stop. And his kid and wife live on remembering that.
Shit.
And if you go on with it, fine.
Just know the consequences you probably might carry onwards with yourself to the grave/past the grave if it's like that, and what you leave us with.
"Oh TehHank let us know he killed himself".
That's pretty damn grim.
Not everyone here is as apt to be so deafeningly cold and inert.
You made connections with us, and rather than slowly slipping away you just straight up slammed the door on a good chunk of people over the internet. I'm indifferent, but I'd rather you stuck around. We do need VIPs, too, you know.
It'd be nice if you were still there. I wouldn't even remember this happening, wouldn't even matter.
tl;dr everything?
Look at it this way; If December 21st happens and nothing happens, by all means, 'fuck it'.
I entitle you to do what you want after that. But I implore you to at least try to wait. Think deep thoughts, there's nothing stopping you now from sitting down and reviewing what you think you did wrong over and over until you realize you can still dot the 'i' while no one's looking.
I've been there, more than you know. And further, too.
Because if nothing happens it means that your problems are greater than the entire universe. I don't mean to come off as harsh, but it's not like failing your parents means the end of the world. Certainly not yours, but I can't say that for sure because
I'm not you.It's
your life, man. Do what you will. And I mean that, because I'm able to go about my day doing just what I please, albeit with some restrictions, but that's more or less common sense. I'm not about to run around doing something super illicit.
My then-called 'problems' aren't even mine, they never were. They were just induced by my altruism and feels about the entire planet.
And that's the point I'm trying to drive. You can't do everything at once. I know that, so many times over. Can't make everything Sunshine-And-Rainbows. But you can at least get rid of the clouds and maybe plant a flower or two.
Maybe later the Flowers will populate the entire field.
I got a 32% in Math once in grade 10, first term. Second term came out with a 75%. Grade 11 I came out with a 89%. Now look at me, I'm doing physics.
If you keep trying to balance a giant pen on the ballpoint and it keeps falling, the most logical thing to do is just put the pen on it's side and have it balance forever.
It can't fall any more sideways, and as far as your concerned, it's on it's tip.
If you're off, it's been nice having you as an entry in what will be my memories some time later in life.
Suppose I'm not dead tomorrow, somehow. Then maybe I'll meet you somewhere if it works that way.
