A interesting article i found in the newspaper today when i was searching for the comics in the newspaper today... (The Bluffton Today newspaper)
http://npaper-wehaa.com/bluffton-today/2010/11/29/#?article=1095025DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS PENINSULA AROUNDThe U.S. needs to put North and South Korea in a timeout.Most people, and by that I mean anyone who has ever read this column, assume that Juvenile Nonsense is just a way for me confuse and bewilder the general public. Nothing could be further from the truth, except possibly to say that Juvenile Nonsense is next in line to the throne of Zimbabwe, which we are not.
Occasionally, this column exists to discuss important matters of the day and then make wildly inaccurate assumptions about them. For example, I’ve been thinking a lot about Korea lately, which is something I haven’t done since they stopped showing “M*A*S*H” re-runs.
As you may have heard by now, North Korea’s 60-yearlong game of “I’m not touching you; I’m not touching you” with South Korea heated up last Tuesday when forces from the two nations met and exchanged onomatopoeic gunfire on the island of Yeonpyeong. The first rule of “I’m not touching you” being never to exchange gunfire, at least in my family, the two sides immediately enacted the international standard for “I’m telling mom” and called the United States in to mediate.
Now we here at the United States are very proud of our armed forces, particularly their YouTube videos where they film themselves dancing to Lady Gaga, but we’re the first to admit they’re already stretched out a bit. As you may recall, we are still fighting wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Cobra Island and probably a few I’m forgetting, and adding Korea to the list might cut into our troops’ ability to plan and execute military-grade YouTube videos.
(Incidentally, before you go calling the Vox about how un-American I am, I should point out that I was shown said YouTube videos by active-duty Marines, who will find the previous paragraph hilarious. And then they’ll do pushups).
Even if we can’t be there in person, though, thanks to the Cold War we’ve got thousands of excess aircraft carriers sitting around in places like Detroit where they just blend in with all the other surplus weaponry, so the U.S. sent the U.S.S. Would You Kids Stop Bugging Me into the waters off Yeonpyeong. It’s not doing anything, as far as we know, but if my last birthday party taught me anything, it’s that the fun’s over as soon as someone shows up with cruise missiles.
Kim “The Jonger” Jong Il is reportedly livid about our presence, and has already had several of his closest aides relocated to North Korean friendliness camps to think about what they’ve done. And by that I of course mean they were executed. This is standard practice in The Jonger’s regime, for offenses ranging from high-level espionage to beating him in Wii Bowling.
Normally, we wouldn’t worry about making Long Jong Silver angry, since he occupies a permanent spot on the Venn diagram where “Cuddly” and “Irritable” meet and anytime we do anything he makes another adorable yet fiery speech. But several pundits point out that North Korea is totally tight with China, which not only has a gigantic army but is also our number one source for knock-off Power Ranger toys you can buy at gas stations when you’ve forgotten to get your nephew something for Christmas.
DISCUSS NAO
