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That moment in your life... where time stays still...

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TehHank:
Her name was Emma Arkwright.

She was a 16 year old Girl at my Secondary/High School and She joined my school 2 years ago as she moved house nearby. She was somewhat overweight and sported Black hair but wasn't of oriental descent but was caucasian.
She often carried around an Art pad which she often drew in, illustrating Manga inspired drawings which i loved to look at. We used to work together along with a girl i currently have a crush on in Graphics class. We would sit next to each other in Art class and share our drawings.

We shared a thing in common that we were immensely bullied inside of school. Bullies would pick on her size and call her Japanese even though she wasn't. From my Point of view, she didn't seem quite bothered. Until one day in class, i spotted something horrifying. Poking out of her sleeve was a... cut scar. I literally felt physically sick. Then time froze as she spotted me and she covered it and looked down, blushing.

Afterwards, we walked home from school to her house and she told me.
She was the oddball in the family. While she loved Anime, Homestuck and the internet, her family found it stupid and a waste of time. At that time we were very close friends and she revealed her arm to me in her bedroom.

Words can not describe the self harm inflictions on her body and she started to cry. I comforted her the best i could at that time, although i wasn't the best comforter at the time.

7 Months ago she revealed she was moving house therefore school against her objections. I was deeply saddended at this but tried not to show it.

We went to London Comic-Con in October 2012, laughing at our cosplays and enjoying ourselves, savouring the last few mimutes of friendship concieved from making new friends in school.

She left in November. I sat in my art class, with an empty seat next to me. In graphics, I sat awkwardly with the girl i had a crush on, both of us lamenting on how it isn't the same without her.

My only contact with her was on DeviantArt. Her latest Jounel or Diary which was in Mid November listed she was Distraught and crying on her moving, Losing friends and her favourite school.

After that... nothing.

Until... A few days ago, i was browsing through my newspaper when i read a report about 4 months ago, a 16 year old girl took her life. Time stopped as it dawned on me, as i read the name... over and over...
I sat back and regret flooded me and my eyes welled with tears.

Did i not look out enough for her as a friend?

Could i have done something?

It is that... horrible feeling, that heart yanking moment when you know someone has died, but you feel... it was your fault in some way.

I sit in my Art/Graphics, glancing where she used to sit and remeber her smile and the conversations we used to have.

I just wanted to share this with you guys because there aren't many people i can talk to about this.

Rest in Peace.

Cheesy Sandwich:
Wow.. Sorry for your loss. loosing a good friend is always horrible. but to me it doesn't seem like your fault.  I know you can get through this buddy.  :) if you need anything, just ask and im sure we will be here for you.

๖Ϝцzsioᴎ:
Damn, that sucks.
Just like cheesy said, it is hell to put up with the death of someone you were close to.

○ Μαρία ○:
Wow, that's very saddening indeed. I'm sorry for your loss Hank.
Unfortunately, though it's often said and not easy to do, you can't blame yourself for her death. If you were her friend and treated her with respect, you should know you are probably one of the small bits of happiness she got in life. Often time people can't find their motivation to live, and the outcome is very sad, mainly because they do not realize how it effects the people around them.

Let this also be a reminder to you, since I know you have a past with self harm/suicide attempts. You may feel like you are the loneliest person in the world, and that no one would care if you were gone, or that is the only way to get rid of your sadness/pain, when that is simply not the case (and this is unfortunately probably how she felt). How you feel right now, could have been that girl instead or us, if you had killed yourself. There will always be one person who believes in you. What's important though...

Is do you believe in yourself?

The people who do these things, who commit suicide, they don't believe in themselves. They did not realize all the things they could have achieved. She could have done so much, and unfortunately she lost sight of what made her happy. Don't end up like that, if she truly means something to you, take that and use that as a drive to live and prove to her there is so much to do. Always remember her and always keep her in your heart.

Cariad†:
I'm deeply sorry for what happened Hank. I wish I could do something other than tell you that and it angers me that I can't. I wish you the best. I once had thoughts of suicide I've got the knife scars to prove it. As Marie said, believe in yourself and keep her in your heart.

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